Just how good is good?
by BerCher
Summary: What if they didn't start talking?
1. Chapter 1

Just how good is good?

The thing about California in December is that it seems like you are in a different country. How can it be warm? Having the doors open at LAX and the whoosh of warm air hit hits me. I wonder why any one would choose to live Illinois. Why did I choose to live in Illinois? Why did I still choose to live in Illinois? All my closest friends had moved on, I had qualified and if I was being completely honest with myself I have probably learnt everything I can under Lucien. I need to let go, to get moving, in a forward direction. I have become adept at moving sideway's.

Coming here is my first big step forward. The convention – Thoracic Surgery, Immediate and long Term Effects -should be interesting but the real reason I am here is to make some new contacts, try and spread my wings a bit, branch out etc etc.

Granted for my first big steps I do have my training wheels on, Abby is meeting me at the hotel and accompanying me to the convention. I think she may be by the pool rather more than in the convention hall, but any excuse to catch up must be acted upon. She is convinced I need to move on from County, in actuality this is all her idea. I think it maybe has something to do with having a weekend away from mommy duties. Since she and Luka moved to Boston we have only seen each other once and while she isn't bringing Joe I am really excited to see her.

Getting a cab is more of an adventure sport than I would have thought but I finally make it down-town by mid-afternoon make it into my room and give Abby a call. She is coming over after I have had a shower and cleaned my self up a bit and we are going out for dinner.

Abby has been doing her research and has booked us a table at one of LA's new IT places, a restaurant overlooking LA called Caro's. We should stand out like a pair of sore thumbs, but like she says nobody knows us so who cares?

We are sitting outside overlooking the whole city, in December. I feel vaguely ridiculous but after glass of white wine later I am settling in a bit.

"Look at the men in here? Seriously people don't look like this in Boston." Abby is perusing the room.

"Abby, you have Luka waiting at home with your baby!" I reply laughing at her. We enjoy the meal and spend most of it chatting about the people around us. Surely the lives they were leading were far more exciting than ours.

I have put off the fact I need to go to the toilet for long enough and finally can't take it any more. "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"Okay, I'll get the check then maybe we should get moving, I left Boston at 4am and am really starting to fell my age." Abby smiles at me.

"Sure I will sort you out after and meet you out the front."

********

As I come out of the bathroom tucking my lipstick back into my purse I spot Abby out the door speaking to the valet. The very well dressed valet. They both turn towards me as I come out the door and I realize the very well dressed valet is Brett. Brett, Ray's Brett. Ray who I haven't spoken to in four years. Ray's Brett but grown up and neat and well dressed. I am sure my jaw is resting on the pavement; I make a no doubt vain attempt to pick it up and paste a smile on.

"Well Neela, nice to see you, it's been a really long time. Let me introduce you to my wife….Neela this is Caro, Caro this is Neela. Neela was Ray's roomie for a while in Chicago, that's that he used to call you isn't it?" Brett is smiling at me, however his voice seems a little unfriendly. I feel like I'm in a vacuum, everything I know is rushing past me but I seem impervious to its force.

"Neela good to put a name to the face, Ray has spoken of you." She is smiling at me but the smile does not reach her eyes.

I feel like I am hyperventilating, all I can think is "Brett Ray Brett Ray" in an endless loop. The three of them are looking at me like I should say something. "Brett Ray Brett Ray"…..I have to get my self together. "You got married, are you still in the band, what are you doing in LA?" The words are being pushed out of my mouth, I am so nervous the words are coming and I have no control. I ask all the questions but the one that I really want an answer too. Not really one question I have a million but they all start with one, the one I don't ask "How is Ray?"

"Wow that's a lot." He's chuckling at me slightly, given as how I feel completely unhinged is about right. Abby is standing next to me smiling, being of no help at all. "Yeah, Caro and I moved here a while ago, the band kind of went by the wayside, some of us still get together occasionally to relive the glory day's. Sadly it seemed most us felt the urge to grow up."

He is smiling at his wife and I am struggling to believe this is the same guy who bummed around the apartment weeks at a time. A silver sports car pulls around to the front and the valet hands him the keys. Neela was aware she knew next to nothing about cars, but it did look expensive. "Well we had better get moving, good to see you again." He put his arm around Caro and made to move off. She looks back, smiles and gives us a small wave.

"Wait". I think I may have yelled that slightly louder than was appropriate..

He stops and turns to look at me.

"Are you still in contact with Ray?" I finally ask. The muscles in my stomach contract and I vaguely hope my dinner doesn't end up on the pavement.

"Of course." I feel the "of course" like an arrow to the heart. "Do you want me to say hi for you?" Brett looks at me questioningly.

"Ahh….yeah, how is he?" Do I seem like I am begging? Any scrap of information would be good. In reality I don't know if news of Ray will make me feel better or worse but I feel like an addict asking for a hit.

"He's good, I'll tell him you say hi when I see next him, do you have number you want me to give him or email address?"

I scramble in my bag for a pen and paper, coming up empty handed. Caro calmly pulls said items from her tote and hands them to me. I scribble the information down and hand them back. This time when she smiles it seems more genuine. Then they are gone.

The air pressure returns to normal and although I feel lightheaded I can breath normally again. Thant conversation feels like it took hours but when I look at my watch I realize it was less than five minutes.

"Wow that was interesting." Abby is looking at me smirking.

"What?"

"You nearly pulled that off, please note the use of the word nearly."

"What."

"Neela you were clinging on by your fingernails for a minute there. It was pretty funny to watch actually." She is still smirking at me.

"Was not."

"Was."

"Oka…. I was do you think Brett will give him the message? Do you think he will call me? How long do you think before he gets the message, I didn't ask Brett when he would see him. My god I am such a dope!"

"Wooh, take breath will you. The car is here get in." Abby tips the valet and we leave. "We don't know the answers to any of the myriad of questions you've got going on; does Ray still live in Louisiana? It could be month's before he gets the message so calm down." I know she is being sensible but for the first time in my life I want to run at the gate, not think things out. Thinking through every facet of every move is what got me in this mess.

"I don't know were he lives. After he was discharged from rehab I couldn't find him." I reply.

"We have talked every moment of your relationship to death and you never mentioned you looked him up, why didn't you call him?" She asks reasonably. .

"When I saw him at Mercy he was…. I don't know what the words are. Broken and I don't mean only physically, he seemed hollow. Not angry just really. He was disappointed in me. Then to top it off I told him I would visit and he called me on it. He told me I shouldn't lie to him that I never would visit. Ray knew the truth about me before I did. And he was right. I never did. So his disappointment was well placed." . We arrived at the hotel a few minutes ago but Abby parked the car and we are just sitting in the car park.

"Neela, you were hurt. You couldn't get to him for weeks, why didn't you do something when you were up to it. Ray would have understood."

It all seems so sensible when other people say it, but in my head at the time I as all at sea and no decision seemed like the only one to make.

"I don't know, then I left it too long, I missed his birthday, and then Christmas and now here are four years later. I don't even know were the time went. It's like it all happened to someone else. If I am being really honest my whole life feels like it is happening to someone else and I am watching through a window.

Being married to Michael….I can barely remember what that was like. Starting a relationship with Tony, then Simon, then god forbid what was I thinking with Lucien? You know they say the definition of insanity is making the same stupid decisions over and over again. You know what that makes me? Call for a Physc consult immediately. Now I can see the only one who really knew ME was Ray." Turning to face Abbey I ask "Do you think that was why I pushed him so hard? I was too scared to be with someone who actually could see who I was?"

Abby hands me some tissues from her bag, mothers always have tissues, and orders me to blow.

"Doesn't matter anyway. It's been too long and I bet he has a girlfriend." I play my trump card. Ray always has a girlfriend.

'Or perhaps he is pining away in some bayou waiting for someone you to come to your sences." Now she starts smiling thinking she has one upped me?

"We know that is not the case, Brett said he was doing good. If he wanted to call me he could have done it anytime. None of my numbers changed."

"That is true, he said he was good. He did not however say great or fantastic or awesome or amazing." She has me. "Okay enough sitting here let's go upstairs, try and get some sleep. Maybe he will call you in tomorrow." She says this with a very positive upswing un her voice. "You have pushed him away pretty hard before and he just kept trying."

I make it to my room and fall on the bed fully clothed, knowing full well I won't get a wink of sleep tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Just how good is good? Part 2

"You should warm down longer; you're not doing your muscles any favors stopping like that." Ray castigates Brett as he comes to a sudden stop at the end of his run.

'That never gets old, I suppose you've been warming down for the last five minutes?" His voice dripping with sarcasm. "You know it is really not cool how much faster you can go on those things." Brett points to Ray's running legs.

"Yeah it's all upside, good parking and the ability to out run you." He chuckels quietly as they leave the track and walk over to Ray's car.

"Soooo........ I have some news." Brett is waiting for Ray to change his prosthetics from the ones he ran in to a pair for walking in.

"You guy's are having a baby?" Ray looks up at Brett smiling quizzically.

'What…..how did you know that? Yeah, but that was not going to be the news. How did you know? Caro swore me to secrecy until the end of next month, when did she tell you?" Brett asks clearly a little flustered.

"She didn't tell me, it was a guess. I'm really happy for you man. When is she due?"

"The end of July, listen you can't tell anyone, it's too early. How did you guess?"

"I am a doctor. It wasn't too difficult to work out, seriously I am really excited for you guy's and old Uncle Ray will be available for babysitting any time." Sliding off the back board of his car, new prosthetics attached he reaches to embrace Brett in congratulations. "Okay lets get out of here I am famished."

Each with a hot coffee and having ordered breakfast they split the newspaper and occasionally point out an interesting article or piece of information.

"Oh hey you said you had some news." Ray breaks the silence.

Looking up from the newspaper Brett looks Ray directly in the eyes. "Yeah, I do. I don't know if it is welcome or not." He reaches into his wallet and pulls out the piece of paper Neela had written her contact details on the previous night and hands it over. "She and her friend were having dinner at Caro's last night. We had a quick chat, she looks good. Kind of the same, a little bit nervous and trying not to show it."

the paper and recognizing the handwriting Ray sucks in a large breath through his nose and blows it out hard. Placing the now refolded paper on the table beside his cup calmly he looks up at his friend. "Yeah, well that's good."

"What are you going to do with this information?" Lifting one brow.

"Nothing." Taking a sip of his coffee Ray looks back down at the newspaper, hoping this will bring an end to the conversation.

"Pardon."

"I already had the numbers, I never lost them. I'm happy that she seemed good but I have no intention of calling her."

"Pardon."

"Okay we are not talking about this any more, eat your breakfast."

'Oh... we are so not doone talking about this........"

"We are, stay out of my love life."

Brett emphasises by pointing his toast at Ray "you don't have a love life for me to get into."

"I get plenty of love."

"You get plenty of sex; it's not the same thing." This time emphasizing his point by waving his fork.

"OOOh you are so enlightened these days. Thank you for the tip, I am well aware of the difference. I think I'll stick to what I know works for me."

"Caro thinks you should call her."

"Well Caro is wrong, we've all seen what happens when I get involved with Neela. I think I am done banging my head against that brick wall." Brett knew the sound of Ray's voice when he had made his mind up.

The car ride back to Brett's place was fairly quiet, as Ray pulled the car to a stop in the driveway Brett turns to him "Thanks for the ride, I'll see you around six, kick off is 6.30, bring beer."

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Ray drove straight to work. He wasn't on today but felt the need to be busy. Showering and changing into some clean clothes he had in his office he went down to the gym to check if any of his patients were on this mornings schedule. These day's he carried a fairly light load of patients assigned directly to him; the job had become fairly administrative. While he would rather have a more hands on job he recognized that the higher up the pole he got the less hands on he would be, and this way he could help many more patients even if it was indirectly.

Despite finding plenty of things to occupy him Ray could not quiet his mind. Giving up at four o'clock he decided to call it a day and headed home. Choosing to drive home along the coast rather than the freeway, hoping the extra time on the road and some really loud music would take his mind off the note that was burning a hole in his pocket. It hadn't worked. Getting home he realized that Valentina had been in yesterday and the house was spotless so he didn't even have housework to occupy his mind. The thought alone that he waould welcome housework as a distraction made him laugh out loud. "Really cracking up there Barnett" he admonishes himself.

Looking at his watch he decides to get changed and head over to Brett and Caro's early, stopping for the beer he still made it a little early. Rapping on the door as he walks in he yells " hello" and not waiting for a response he cracks a beer and wanders out into their yard and has a seat.

"Ray your early, in all the time I've known you, you have never even been on time let alone early." Caro walks over to him from inside and leans down to give him a kiss. "Something on your mind perhaps?"

'Nah just not much on today, anything you want to share?" He asks wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

"Brett told me you guessed, you dirty dog."

Rising from the chair we was sitting in Ray walks over and envelopes her in his lanky frame. "You are going to be a natural at this, I am really excited for you guy's. I'll deliver the baby for you if you want." He jokes knowing full well she will turn him down.

"You will not, I don't want you to ever see me with out my pants on." The smile belies the horror on her face.

"Come on, fairs fair you've seen me." Taking a swig he sits back down. One of the great things about Caro was she knew Ray inside and out and their relationship was like an extension of the brotherly love he had with Brett.

"That was in a professional capacity."

"Well I am offering my services as a professional."

"Shut up, you are not delivering the baby. Brett's in the shower, tell me why you're here."

"You invited me for the game."

"Dope, I mean why are you early? Having troublesome thoughts about a certain brown eyed girl? You know she is prettier than I pictured."

"I'm fairly sure I may have mentioned one or one thousand times she was beautiful. Anyway we are not talking about this. You want a boy or girl?

Brett wanders out onto the patio. "Dude you're early, what gives? You want another beer; darling what can I get you to drink?" He asks turning his attention from Ray.

"I am good thanks, I have a water." Caro smiles back at him

"Nope I'm good at the moment, I assume I am cooking?" Over the years Ray had become a pretty good cook, certainly better than everyone else in his inner circle of friends and family and therefore ended up doing a larger part of any cooking duties.

"I thought you could barbeque some steaks at half time." Brett called over his shoulder as he headed back inside to get a beer.

Caro fixes her eyes on Ray "We are not done with this conversation young man, you will keep until later. I am going in to make salad. Enjoy this short reprieve."

"So did you rethink about Neela?" Brett asks as he takes the seat Caro vacated.

'No, but really thanks for asking again. The the game is about to start. Let's go in and behave like men instead of a pair of schoolgirls."

"Okay okay, but you're making a big mistake."

Rarely did he curse his missing lower limbs, being able to turn fast when you wanted to, and pee in the middle of the night with out having to put your legs on were about the only times. Turning slowly to face Brett he replies in a quiet voice, "I am not making a mistake. So please just stop."

Several hours, several beers, some barbeque and one game later Ray was laying on the couch, having decided that driving was out of the question, hoping that sleep would come soon. Caro came down the stairs quietly for a glass of water unaware Ray was still awake.

"It's okay, I'm awake turn on the light."

"You want some ice cream?"

"Thanks that would be good."

She came back and put the bowl on the table in front of him.

"Sour cherry and roasted almond." Settling herself at the end of the couch. Ray made to sit up, pushing him self up with his arms. Then leaning over to retrieve the bowl.

"Having some trouble sleeping?"

Digging his spoon into the bowl for a huge mouthful he replies "Seems so. This is good. I think it's a keeper."

"Want to talk?" She asks gently placing a hand on the Ray's knee.

"If I say no are you going to leave me alone?"

"Nope. So spill what are you thinking?"

"That I don't want to put my head in the Lions mouth again, but I can't seem to shake the attraction I have to said lion. Believe me I have tried." He adds ruefully.

"Yeah I had noticed you trying." She answers both know she is referring to the myriad of women Ray had tried to drown his sorrows in over the years.

"Caro, you saw what happened last time. I don't want to ever go through that again. I don't want to put you through that again."

"Last time you were in a much more vulnerable position Ray. You are a different guy now. Your physically and mentally much stronger, you have great career, good friends and family. Your circumstances are completely different. If you ever felt like that again you have to promise to talk to me."

"Yeah I will"

"Eat you icecream, it will help you make the right decision."

"I am, I know you think it can save lives."

'Saved yours buddy."

So quietly she could hardly hear he whispers to her "Yeah, it did." Taking the hand she has on his knee and gently squeezing.

"I think you should call her, you can't go through your whole life randomly sleeping with women on the off chance you will find one that touches you in the same way. Eventually you are not going to be this handsome you know….it'll just get really sad."

"Thanks for that, it's worked out okay for Hugh Hefner."

"You want to be Hugh Hefner?"

"Not really."

"I just want you to be as happy as we are." She indicates to the upstairs were Brett is sleeping. "Maybe Neela is ready for you now, she seemed a little over excited when Brett said he spoke with you. You have never found out why she backed away so hard."

"Well I had a few things going on at the time."

"I remember I was there, why don't you give her the benefit of the doubt."

"I spent quite a few years giving her the benefit of the doubt; it didn't work out so well for me."

"Try again. If it fails I'll mix you up something special and help you pick up the pieces." Caro's true passion in life was ice-cream. She felt all problems could be solved with an ice cold bowl of your favorite flavor. The only time she ever really cared to be in the kitchen was when she was mixing a batch of custard to flavor and tip into the almost commercial sized machine that sat pride of place in the kitchen. Over the years she had made thousands of batches.

_Chocolate and candied orange had been the flavors she was delivering to Ray as a special treat for his birthday. Some patients really got under your skin when you are nursing them over an extended period. When Ray had first arrived he was almost silent in his misery, but as he had healed his real personality had started to shine through some tiny cracks. _

_When handing medication to a patient you must double check the patients name, date of birth and admit number, so she knew his birthday was coming up and had decided she would bring him a batch of something special after dinner. Ray had seemed unusually down, hardly surprising considering were he was spending his birthday. He didn't have many visitors so there was a good chance he would be alone or with his mum, who Caro liked and wouldn't mind sharing the ice-cream with._

_Entering his room with a per functionary knock she was surprised to see him already asleep at eight o'clock. Putting the container on the rolling table at the end of the bed as she walked around to see if was asleep or just resting. The first thing she noticed was the perspiration on his brow and that his lips were an unnatural shade of blue. Rushing to him and shaking him as hard as she could, Caro received no response. The ice-cream all but forgotten in her attempt to get him breathing while waiting for help. So in it's own special way ice cream had saved his life. Although initally angry at his failure Ray came to see how lucky he was that Caro had come to see him that night. However she wasn't the woman he most wanted to hear from on his birthday that year, the silence from the north finally overwhelming him._

_His mother had called Brett telling him to get to Baton Rrouge immediately. Hoping a perhaps some music and the company of someone other than herself would deliver him from his self imposed hell. Brett had been in Chicargo packing up Ray's apartment, finishing as quickly as possible he made it down in a couple of days. After that night it had been a while before any one really trusted Ray and he felt their eye's on him all the time providing real pressure to get better and over time Ray came back. JC found it too difficult to watch Ray go throught the daily PT sessions and usually visited him in the evenings, leaving the long and painful hours of daylight to Brett. Ray knew all that work would have been so much harderif he had not had the cheering squad at his side and came to feel that while he would rather have not gone through with this perhaps the stronger relationships around him were a very very thin silver lining. Caro for her part had grown very fond of Ray against all the rules and advice from collegues and friends. The burgeoning relationship between her and Brett (they were spending hours together everday) had originally made her feel like she was betraying Ray her patient and she liked to think new friend. However he seemed to be thrilled for the two of them and perhaps their joy in finding each other had shown him that the world could still be a happy place._

"I'll think about it."

'Okay, try and get some sleep. You can make me pancakes for breakfast if you like." She threw over her shoulder as she made her way upstairs.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Abby was correct, Neela felt like she had not slept a wink all night. If California had harnessed the power she had channeled into tossing and turning all night the energy crisis could well have been solved by dawn.

Meeting Abby for breakfast she felt like she had been hit in the head with a hammer. Having a coffee and a couple of aspirin had not really helped at all. She wasn't sure if it was the Champagne, the lack of sleep or a heady combination of both, but suddenly the conference seemed as exciting as a trip to the dentist.

"Don't you look happy this morning." Abby smiles wryly over the top of her cup.

"I'm not."

"Really, you hide it so well. Come on lets go get this over with. You have me until one o'clock...then shopping"

"Abby...."

"You know you are too old to whine. Is this going to be about Ray?"

"Yeah I feel quite whiny, so deal with it. What am I going to do?"

"Good lord woman I have no idea. Wait for him to call or take some steps to find him."

Through our the course of the day Abby guessed Neela would have checked her phone once every fifteen minutes until it had driven her mad.

"Enough give me the damn thing. You have not paid one bit of attention to this conference you dragged me to, we could be shopping. If it should go off in any way I will give it to you." She demanded holding out her hand.

Neela rather meekly handed her the phone recognizing the truth in her words. Wandering through the displays and booths provided by pharmaceutical companies, surgical equipment manufacturers and some of the more prominent hospitals, Neela almost forgot to worry about her phone for half an hour.

Looking around she couldn't see Abby anywhere and of course she now didn't have a phone to call her on. Deciding to retrace her steps in the hope Abby had staid put. Wandering to the front end of the convention hall she finds Abby sitting on a long bench with a cup of coffee occupying herself by playing with Neela's phone.

"You know something, you have Ray's number in here." She waves the phone in front of Neela's face. "I could just press send right now and put this whole thing to rest."

'No, you wouldn't do that to me." Neela makes a lunge for the phone but Abby is too quick for her and moves her hand away.

'Yeah I would, is the only reason you are not calling him because you are scared he will reject you?"

After a lengthy pause she prompts again "Well..."

"Maybe." The response is very quiet.

"Didn't he tell you at least once, and make it fairly clear on several other occasions that he was in love with you?"

"Yes, but that was four years ago. I think he blames me for the accident."

"Is that what he said?" Abby knew the answer to her question already.

"No, but he should."

"Neela he was standing in the middle of the road!" the exasperation in her voice evident.

"Doesn't matter anyway, that number was disconnected years ago."

"Oh, so back to the moping then, 'cos that has worked so nicely for the last four years."

'I left my number."

"You left your number with his friend for god's sake; he told you he ...Holy shit……your phone is ringing."

"Give it to me, who is it."

"Your phone doesn't recognize the number…Neela's phone Abby speaking."

"Lockheart or is it Kovac now?" Ray's voice has a slightly stonger southern lilt she remembered and it brought a smile to her face.

"Lockheart or you could go with Abby." She can hear Ray chuckle.

"Yeah I guess I could, but it seems unlikely. Tell what you've been up to these last few years."

"Well Luca, Joe and I live in Boston now, both at Mass General. I have left the boy's at home for a bit of bonding."

"Good for you, you liking Boston?"

"So far it has been good to us and it's a nice city for kids, so we're pretty happy there. Tell me about you."

"You know same old Ray, I hear you guy's are looking for me."

"Ahh yeah we have been, hang on I'll hand you over to Neela, see you soon." While Abby had been talking to Ray Neela looked like she was about to vomit. Holding her finger over the receiver she handed the phone to Neela. "Guess who?" Abby walked away to a couch and sat down, giving Neela some privacy. Taking a deep breath and hoping what came out of her mouth would make more sense than the jumble that was going on insider her head.

"Ray hi." That seemed sensible she thought.

"Hey Neela, how are you?" This seemed to be easy for him.

"Umm I am good, how about you?" Neela was having trouble making words connect in her head, let alone expressing them.

"I'm good, you enjoying LA?"

"It's been nice so far, how is Baton Rouge?"

"Last I checked it was still there."

"Oh…..were are you?"

"LA." Neela couldn't tell if he was teasing her or was annoyed with her.

"You're here, in LA, right now."

"Yeah, I live here."

"Wow."

"Okay." Now he was defiantley being sarcastic.

"Umm, would you have time to get together?" Neela looked around at Abby, who in spite of appearances was clearly listening to the conversation. Mouthing "Finally" and giving her the thumbs up then going back to her coffee. Waiting for him to answer, Neela thought she may be sick and scanned the area for an empty vessel.


	3. Chapter 3

AN:I forgot this last time, I still don't have anything worth pursing me over. I would like to thank lowriseflare for allowing me to regift an idea of hers – I am sure you will all spot it. Truly I bow down to her brilliance and like I said to her I believe the show could have been better if they had left her scenes IN.

I have a few clear idea's in my head but getting to them is problematic. This whole chapter is really a bridge so I hope it does not bore you to death on the journey. I would love any ideas thrown at me, it may make the trip just that little bit faster.

Thanks

To all of you who reviewed, that is some seriously addictive stuff!

Picking up were we left off……

"Ahhh ……sure." Until Ray had replied in the affirmative he had not been one hundred percent sure he would. "Did you have something particular in mind?"

"Well you are probably the expert, but I was hoping to try a place down by the water called LRG Brewery. Have you heard of it? I saw it on the Food Network."

"Yeah, it's pretty cool. What are you doing watching the Food Network, did you take up cooking?

"God no, just late night surfing."

"God I thought the world had fallen of it's axis for a second there." Neela thought that if he had taken to teasing her about her lack of culinary skills so quickly perhaps the relationship was not lost afterall.

"I can cook."

"Ramen doesn't count. I can be there in an hour or so, it's not too far from were I live. Were are you now? Do you want me to pick you up?"

"At the convention center, Abby hired a car so we can meet you there." They finished with quick a good-bye and Neela walked over to Abby.

"So I made us some plans."

Raising one eye brow Abby asks what she has been roped into. "A place down by the ocean, I think its Beer and Pizza, I saw it on the Food Network. Ray says it's cool."

"Well Ray always did know cool, we may as well go now. I can imagine you are done here."

The girls arrived down by the ocean less than twenty minuets later and lucked into a parking spot right out the front of the restaurant. The day was cool but the sky was clear and a brilliant blue, having plenty of time they went for a wander and looked through a local crafts market. Abby wanted to pick up something for Joe and Luka, finding some wooden toys and hand knitted scarves in he first couple of minutes they decide to head back to the restaurant.

Walking in they pass through a garden full of benches with umbrella's all down to best let the patrons capture the inter sun. Walking inside the building they relies the building is a converted warehouse, one side enclosed in glass; behind the glass they can see the brewery at work making the beer they were becoming famous for. Neela is somewhat assaulted by the pumping music and realizes this must be one of the reasons Ray would like this place.

Looking around to see if he was already there Neela pushes all the way to the back deck, which overlooks the ocean and is built into the rocks surrounding the shore. "I think we should sit out here, it's really noisy inside."

"Yeah I can see why Ray would like it." Neela laughs and says "You read my mind; you want to choose a table."

Abby walks onto the deck and picks a table close to an outdoor heater. A waitress approaches them dancing to the music that can still be heard from inside, dreadlocked, pierced, tattooed and way too cool for Neela's liking . "Hey ladies I'll leave you a couple of menus, can I get you something to drink?" They order a beer and club soda and sit taking in their surroundings.

The waitress returns with the drinks and offers to take an order for them.

"Were waiting for someone to join us, so we may be a while." Abby expalines.

"Awesome, I'll keep an eye out for you then, enjoy your drinks."

"I think we should go." Neela has a panicked sound to her voice and makes to get up.

"_Sit down_; we are not leaving before he gets here." Abby uses her best mother voice. "You are going to sort this out with him."

"I think I've changed my mind"

"Too bad he's just walked in." Abby is facing the entry and gives him a small wave which he returns as he starts towards them.

"So what does he look like?" Neela asks.

"Exactly the same."

"Really…"

"Yeah… maybe a bit better actually. He shaved all his hair off." Abby points to the front of the restaurant and Neela follows her line of sight to see Ray walking towards them…looking just like he did in her memories of Wicker Park only more muscular and with a very slight limp to the right. If you were unaware of his past you may even think the uneven gait was an arrogant swagger.

He is clearly a regular as several members of staff greet him by name and it takes him a while to make it over to the table they had chosen. Wearing a pair of ink blue jeans, converse, a grey t-shirt and a familiar green jacket Neela thinks she has in fact never seen him look better, a far cry from the last time she saw him.

"Hey sorry I'm a bit late, have you been waiting long?" He greets both Abby and Neela with a large smile and makes his way around the table to give them both a hug and kiss then sits down nest to Neela.

"We went for a wander through the market; I picked up a couple of things for Joe and Luka." Abby answers having waited for Neela to say something.

"Cool, have you any photos?" Abby fishes around in her handbag and comes out with a couple of Joe who bears a remarkable resemblance to his father. Ray takes the photos, flicking through asking if she had any input into Joes' genetics or if he is all Luka. When the waitress returned Neela and Abby deferred to Ray's opinion on the food as he knew the place, he ordered pizzas, olives, grilled sausage and few other bits and pieces they could pick at while talking.

"When did you move out here?" Abby asked.

"I assume you know about the accident?" Abby nodded her ascent.

"Three years ago, I did the rehab in Baton Rouge and then stayed with my mom until I was fully recovered." Ray looked over at Abby

"I'm sorry Ray, I know you asked me not to tell anyone, but I couldn't not tell Abby."

"It's okay." He looks at her smiling, Neela still looks panic stricken. "Really, it's fine don't worry about it. Of course you told Abby, I would have if I were in your position. When I was ready to go back to work I found that working in the ER just didn't hold the same interest for me. I wanted to get closer to the patients to really get to know them, not just wheel them in and out five minutes later."

Both Neela and Abby laughed at this as it was what Ray was famous for. "Yeah…I know the irony. So I looked around for an internship in PM & R and found one available at USC University Hospital so decided to move out here."

He drops his voice and gently puts his hand over hers; Neela absently notices that his hand is cold from holding the beer. He drops his head to one side and looks Neela directly in the eye. "I hope you can forgive me for the way I spoke to you that day in the hospital, I was being pretty unfair to you. I was angry. Really angry, mostly at myself but I didn't know that then. I think I may have left you with the impression that what happened was your fault…"

"Ray it was…."  
"No Neela what happened was all on me, I was drunk, I was standing in the middle of the road in the middle of the night. All decisions I made…"

"But.."

"No buts, let it go. I have. They weren't good decisions but they were my decisions. Anyway all that was years ago and my life here is good, I have a job I love, good friends, a nice house, I wouldn't have this life if I had stayed in Chicago. All in all things turned out pretty well for me. Don't get me wrong I've had some bad times, done a lot of hard work and had shit load of therapy to get here but I like it and given the choice I would pick this life over what I was doing and were I was going. So I hope you can forgive me?"

"Really?" Neela is incredulous. How could he be asking her forgiveness?

"Yeah really. So now we have that out of the way…..lets move on to happier subjects. " Ray let go of Neela's hand to take a mouthful of his beer and she felt the connection with him slipping away as he turned his attention away from her.

"I just have to make a quick trip." He stood indicating her was going to the bathroom. Both Abby and Neela watch him walk away from them appraising his appearance.

"Well that went better than I thought it might." Abby turns back to Neela as Ray rounds a corner and is no longer in view. "You would have sat here all day without saying anything wouldn't you."

"I was working up to it." Neela defends herself.

"Seriously he looks fantastic, not at all what I was expecting from your description, look at him, so buff! Luka might need to get himself to the gym. He's so self assured, in a different way than he was before. Really not what I was expecting."

"This not what I was expecting either."

"What was that?"

"I don't really know, sometimes I thought he would be angry and hate me, other times I thought he may still be in love with me and welcome me back with open arms. What I was not expecting was indifference."

"You think he's indifferent, that's not what I saw."

"He's treating me like an acquaintance." Neela spat the last word like it was poison. "We were more than that, he told me I was his best friend."

In time honored tradition Ray returned to the table before they had a chance to really talk about him. Neela had always wondered how men managed to go to the bathroom so fast.

"Did you finish talking about me yet?" It was like he had read her mind.

Abby jumped in "We were not talking about you, we were disusing the fact that I have to get going, my flight is at 7.00 pm and I need to get back to the hotel to pick up my bags."

"Well we had better get moving, it was nice to see you Ray." Neela was all business as she made to stand and leave when Abby put her arm out.

"Neela it's still early and you don't leave until tomorrow why don't you stay? Enjoy the afternoon with Ray, I am sure you guy's have heaps to catch up on and you don't need me around. I was going to return the car tonight anyway."

If looks could kill Abby would be dead from the way Neela was glaring at her. "No no I'll come with you."

"Stay." Ray said as he placed his hand on her forearm. The touch of his had crumbled her will power

"Are you sure, I don't want to take up your time." Despite the elation that one word had delivered she didn't want to appear too eager

"Take all the time you want, I have nothing to do today that can't wait."

"Okay."

When Abby and Neela hug goodbye Abby whispers in her ear that this is possibly her last chance with Ray so take a risk.

Once Abby leaves and they are sitting together, Neela isn't sure what to do or say. The music from inside provides a cover to lack of conversation. She is trying to look at him surreptitiously and catalog any changes. She can make out a small scar the size of a dime on his left cheek bone and a couple of faint marks on his forehead.

"You're staring, you can ask if you like." Ray dips his head and locks eye's with her giving the half smile she remembered so fondly.

"Sorry, it's just you look so good…I mean healthy…different to the last time. I mean of course you look better….oh god I sound like such a loser"

"No you don't, if something had happened to you I would want to know all the details. I've got some great prosthetics – it helps to be in the business. Sometimes for a few moments I can even forget my legs aren't all there. However fogetting has lead to some fairly embarrassing moments & I have spent some quality time on my ass."

Neela try's not to laugh at him.

"You can laugh and the job helps keep me in shape. You on the other hand look exactly the same, just like I remember. How do you do that?" He asks leaning in closer to her face.

"Don't be daft; I have grey hairs now."

Ray looks a bit puzzled but lets it pass. "You look as beautiful as you always did, maybe even better, more confident."

Neela can feel herself blushing. "Stop."

Ray is now laughing openly at her. "So….you a bona fide surgeon now?"

"'Yeah, I love it. I love it more than I thought I would…. but I need a change. I am thinking of leaving County."

"Really! Were are you going, any hospital would no doubt be happy to have you."

"I don't know were I will go, I only decided right then as I was saying it. I feel kind of giddy."  
"Giddy?"

"Yeah, this is a big decision; I've been at County forever."

"Do you want to stay in Chicago? North Western seemed like it could be a nice place to work."

"No idea. Bloody hell do you think I'm doing the right thing."

Ray could feel himself slipping back into the banter they had shared all those years previously. The thought of having his friendship back with Neela was intoxicating, it had been something he had both craved and been terrified of since almost the first moment he met her, and was certainly something he had thought of almost everyday since he had last seen her.

Living with her had been one of the happiest times of his life. However like an addict when the drug of choice was removed the come down had caused him to make some of the stupidest decisions, really not even _some_ of the stupidest actually THE stupidest decisions of his life.

Twice he had nearly died because Neela hadn't done what he thought or hoped she would, once by accident and once by his own hand.

Caro had told him he was a stronger man now but sitting looking at Neela he knew he loved her as much today as he did the night of the wedding. What he also knew was he could slip back to being dependent on Neela for any scrap of affection if he was not careful and he knew he couldn't take another rejection and survive.

The unfortunate truth was he was in love with a woman that was not in love with him. His friends and family had picked up the emotional and physical pieces enough; he couldn't knowingly put them or himself through all that drama and pain again.

He had hoped that enough time had elapsed that he could distance himself enough to be the friend she had always wanted. Looking at her he realized he could never just be Neela's friend. He would always want more. Being around her was just too dangerous. The only sane decision was to walk away.

"I'm sure you'll come to the decision that's right for you. Well…..it's getting late and you have a long day tomorrow and some big decisions to make. It was good to catch up, you have my email so drop me a line and let me know what you decide." Neela didn't know what to make of Ray's sudden one hundred and eighty degree turn. Finally when it was just the two of them she had started to feel the bond they had once shared resurface, then in his next breath he wants to rid himself of her?

"Do you want me to drop you back to your hotel?"

"Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you, I can take a cab." She hoped the shock she felt at the sudden rejection was not written all over her face. Hadn't he said he had no plans, wasn't he starting to feel the strength of their past friendship return?

Ray felt like a real shit, it was clear she was surprised by his turn around. It really wasn't her fault he had no self control, she was just being Neela. His friend.

"It's no problem I will give you a lift, are you ready to go?"

"Sure, I just need to pay the bill and take a quick trip to the restroom." Neela really just wanted to get away

She left the table and on his return found him standing near the front door. "I've taken care of it." He indicates towards the cashiers' desk.

"What do I owe you?" They had always split the check in the past.

"Nothing it's my treat, my car is over there." He indicates towards a silver SUV, Neela knows Abby will ask what he drives but she honestly has no ability to tell one car from another. Even if she looked now she knew she would forget by the time she reported back the afternoon's strange events.

Getting in Ray's car she is confronted for the first time just how much he has changed. The car has hand controls and she is shocked. Silently she admonished herself for her stupidity and hopes that the emotion was not playing over face as clearly as her earlier surprise did.

As he puts the car in gear a young girl knocks on the bonnet of the car, causing him to stop. Breaking into a smile Ray puts the window down smiling and reaching out to embrace her through the window. "What are you doing here?" He enquires.

Neela can see the girl is considerably younger than Ray and achingly beautiful – thin, tall, blonde and tan in other words all the things Neela is not. Neela felt a familiar lump take up residence in her stomach; she had felt it when girls appeared from Ray's bedroom in the early hours of the morning. "We just came down for a few drinks, are you coming or going?" She indicated to some others standing a little way off.

"Going, we had some lunch." Ray looks over at Neela and motions between the two women by way of introduction. "Andrea this is Neela, Neela Andrea."

"This is Neela? Wow, awesome to finally meet you. Ray told us so much about you I love the story about your grandma calling you the little round girl. Come on, come back inside and have some drinks with us." Andrea try's to convince them. She and Ray banter back and forward before he convinces her that he really is leaving.

He leans out of the car and gives her a kiss on the cheek. "We are leaving; I'll speak to _you_ later." He speaks to her in a faux authoritative tone while still smiling at her.

She raises her eyebrows back at hi, smiling in what could only be described as conspiring. "You bet we will, have a good night then, great to finally meet you Neela." Andrea back away from the car while waving good bye.

As Ray puts the car into gear and backs out of the parking area, looking straight ahead Neela can not read any emotion on this face.

"You remembered that, about the little round girl?" Neela is shocked to the core, she and Ray had been drunk in his bedroom one evening when she had confessed her grandmothers term of endearment.

"Yeah, of course I remembered." Ray appears slightly annoyed. "I remember everything you said to me."


End file.
